Just another WordPress.com site

Angel Flying

Angel Flying

Hear the song!

Angel Flying is one of my very first compositions. Written in 1996, it is a song that actually wrote me! IT flowed through me with much ease and grace, so ready to be born! I love the double melody in the chorus. Inner weaving strands of melody is a favorite song writing tool of mine. Each melody stands alone but when combined create magic in motion!

The lyrics came from a childhood memory. When I was six years old, I used to hover above my bed. I remember floating about 6-8 inches over the sheets and looking down at the indentation of where my head used to be. Then I’d be gone! Never alone though, I always have company. My companion was an Angel. An enormous figure of golden light, shimmering and glowing, illuminating our way. I was never a bit frightened. I was often overwhelmed by the beauty all around me as we traveled. It was in this place of peace that I learned to look for and see the magnificence of all things!  And the love ! The love was tangible. I could touch it, t hold it, spin it around, wear it, swallow it and then become it.

One time we didn’t fly. We just sat on the fence in my back yard. We didn’t speak. We didn’t have to. If felt good just to be. So normal. I didn’t have to do anything. That presence felt so warm and wonderful. A few years ago my dad and I took an 8 hour road trip. He was just getting over a sore throat so we opted not to speak for the duration. It was one of the holiest communions we’ve ever shared. Just being with one another with no words to get in the way was precious! That is how I felt as I child, sitting on the fence in the backyard with the angel. Held in light of love.

One day I told someone I flew with angels. She told me that was impossible. She was a grown up after all. She must be right, right? I never flew again…until the day I danced with you all, one twirl at a time, during treatment to this song. It felt new and fresh and at the same time comfortably familiar to dance with all the people I love and allow them to love me back to health. I can still feel the light breeze we create as we waltz! Can you feel it!?

The Magic of Music

DSC_8107 (2)I have had a lot of good response to my meditation CD called Chants to HEAL. One such response came from Claudell Hefner County. We connected on facebook. She ordered a CD and offered to send me a song she had written. I accepted. She wrote: By the way, I love your CD. The songs, your voices - strong high, soft, gentle, multiple and overtone chanting. How fun! I hope we get to meet someday. Many blessings, Claudell I finally got a chance to read her email and look her attached song. Gratefully I can sightread and I recognized it immediately. It is called My Dedication subtitled "Here I am, Lord, Use me." It was copyrighted 1984...the year I found Unity. Tears filled my eyes when the melody naturally filled the room and the lyrics projected themselves from inside upon a blank screen before me. I sang this song early on in my Spiritual Journey, having no idea how deep surrender could go at that time. I've sung her song many time since! When I first heard it, I remember trying to embrace the meaning of the words. I yearned to know what God had planned for me. Claudia's chord progression left an uneasy opening in me...an opportunity to see where next I needed to grow... I was 22 years old. Thirty years later the song still sparks a flame. And now I meet the composer of the song! How cool is that!!? I just love the way God works!! The declaration “Here I am, Lord, Use me.” needs to be at the very vortex of prayer. It allows every experience to unfold in full color, ripening and at last, providing nourishment for the good of all. Many Blessings Claudia and thank you for a beautiful, timeless song of surrender! Glad to meet you! I am honored!

Who Am I Really??

I would only roll my eyes when someone told me “Be Yourself.” What did that mean? How could I be myself when I didn’t know who I was? How could I be myself when I didn’t even like me? As a preteen, I resented everyone who spouted that line at me. Being myself was painful. Mom and dad were splitting up. I wasn’t kind to my little sister and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t getting good grades. I wasn’t popular. My teeth were growing faster than the rest of me. I couldn’t keep my long hair clean enough not to look greasy. I was lonely. I was needy. I was not much fun to be around. In short, being myself was no picnic! In fact I’d rather be anyone else but me! It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I learned that “Who I am” is a choice every minute of every day!

 

Trying on characteristic attributes, smiling more often, being helpful, listening harder, paying attention or staying angry, being judgmental and critical, oversleeping and being lazy were like trying on pieces of clothing. I was comfortable in beat up jeans and ratty old t shirts because dressing down was my norm. Wearing my wounds on my sleeve, so to speak, was also my norm. Dressing up and looking nice on the other hand was so foreign to me that at special events that required better, cleaner clothing I was uncomfortable. Nothing seemed to fit me right and I certainly didn’t “fit” in! But everything I was used to wearing, from my grungies to my distain were only habits borne out of choice! I chose to look like a rag-a-muffin. I chose to be unhappy. Those choices were not always on a conscious level obviously, but they were choices nonetheless. I had had lots of practice!

 

Practice makes prefect! When I learned that I had been choosing my way of life all my life I was shocked, bewildered and pissed off! I was who I was and how I was because of the divorce, society, TV, school, friends, boyfriends…I had a litany of people and events to blame it on. As I practiced, however, doing it differently, new habits formed. As I observed how kindness begot kindness and how anger begot anger I began to make different choices. As I chose to be a better person, a better person I became! I learned that anger is a valuable emotion that I can express by singing loudly or journaling or moving my body in any physical activity. There are many ways in which to “let it out” without hurting anyone, including me. It just takes a little practice cultivating new habits!

 

So the next time you hear someone say “Just be yourself,” smile, take a breath and remember that “who you are” is always a choice. It’s always your choice and you can always make another choice!

Image

I get to choose who I am every minute of every day!

 

Harmonies of Healing

Image

Many lessons on the journey to health not least of which is all about Love. I understand cognitively about detachment. To love without attachment seems to be the goal because to be attached is to set up grief and pain when object of that love is no longer. After years of contemplation and now with a new awareness, I believe that attachment is a part of love. My being passionate and intimate with people, events, animals, my body means to me only that I love everything around and within me deeply. When those things I love disappear, naturally I get to grieve. It is my honor to grieve.

Now I do not feel that way about everything I love. I love every sunset I see and do not grieve its passing. I love the rain. I do not grieve when the sun shines and dries it all up. I have taught to appreciate everything in my life and I do. I have been taught to be grateful for everything and I am.

So now my precious body heals, my hair falls out and my life forever changed. How do I now love what is and not miss what was? I remember practicing loving my body on purpose and as I cherished it, I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my hair on purpose as I brushed it. I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my life on the road on purpose as I embraced it, I knew love would make my life stronger and healthier. I became very adept at loving what is, so much so that’s now that it’s all different I get to grieve…again…some more.

Love without attachment? Not for me! I choose to love even the grief that makes me so incredibly human. I choose to stay passionate and love deeply even if it leads to pain at its loss. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful hair. NOW I can embrace my baldness! I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful body. NOW I can embrace my scars. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful life on the road. NOW I can embrace the new adventure!

Today I give myself permission to be fully human and love with attachment knowing full well that other side may be grief and loss. I choose to feel it all because every emotion has its own deliciousness!

Dad and I in Europe

In 1992 when I had finally graduated from college my dad took me on the trip of a lifetime. He and I in Europe. We visited as many countries as possible within a 2 week trip. Notice I found a cat!

My dad is such a great photographer!
What great memories! Enjoy the photos.

29 years ago on Easter my Grandmama took me to my first Unity Church service. My father suggested I find some Spiritual support in 1983 when I was addicted to poverty, living on the edge and basically angry at God. Having lived through mom and dad’s horrific divorce, mom’s next relationship with an abusive boyfriend, I was ‘living it up” in Sarasota Florida all by myself for the first time. In fact “big-by-self” was the badge I wore from age 8! That Easter Sunday I found a home, a community in Unity. One that I have served and that has served me ever since. That Easter so many years ago brought to me a sense of belonging I had never known.

Fast forward to Tuesday, March 27th. I love my touring life. In a past blog I talked about my life on the road. Please read that when you have time and notice how everything has now changed. I was in Ft Walton Beach offering my workshops at Unity when my digestion still had not settled down. I had gone 3 months believing any minor discomfort was due to my overdoing benedryl to rid myself of a sinus infection. Then 2 rounds of antibiotics in February and March for an ear infection. It made perfect sense to me that this small, non-medicated body of mine just didn’t do meds well!

That Tuesday my hostess of the week, Jennifer, offered me the name of her naturopathic doctor. I made an appointment that morning. He confirmed my all over great health but the ph level in my urine and the little mass above my hairline in my pelvic area made him pause. I thought it was a blocked intestine still from the meds. He said he wanted to rule out cancer…rule out cancer. Well of course I don’t have cancer! I am so fit and healthy and I love my body and take such good care of it, how can cancer possibly exist? Still the blood test itself was daunting. “What ifs” strangled every positive thought. Wednesday was the longest day waiting. Waiting. Thursday morning when Dr Hendricks called me into his office I knew the news was not happy relief. “This is not something you can tell me over the phone, huh.” Jennifer offered to go with me and I took her up on it. I knew I did not want to be alone. I was grateful for her motherly presence.

“It looks like ovarian cancer.” the words rang in my ears all morning. The doctor suggested that when I get home I should have a gynecological exam. That would be another 2 weeks away! I called my mom and then dad. I told them what I may be up against. Dr Hendricks did say there was a slight chance that the numbers on my CA125 test could be high because of digestion stuff. I was holding out for that. I drove to Unity in Ft Walton to pack up. I was in a daze. When I walked in Rev George and his wife Barbara met me at the door. It was as if they knew. I melted into their arms in a puddle of tears. I sobbed for what felt like hours on the floor of the sanctuary surrounded by the love and light these 2 precious people held for me, the love and light that Unity has held for me for 29 years now.

Immediately I got online, notified my prayer support team from all over the country via phone calls and facebook. I had 28 responses in the first 5 minutes!  (To see the whole thing as it continues to unfold keep watch on my facebook page.) Through tears and prayers, prayers and tears I breathed and cried. Finally I called my husband. “Oh Babe!” was his reaction. I knew nothing before I saw another doctor. For 5 hours that morning I went through all 5 stages of grief!  But after those 5 hours I found I was in a much more centered place. I have been Spiritually preparing for the last 29 years for this. I was open to what lay before me. Truly embraced by the people who love me I found a place of peace.

Jennifer loves my music so she leaves it on repeat all day long! It gave me such comfort hearing my sister and I sing together about faith, love and God in such beautiful harmony. She was in Mexico this week with her family celebrating Ryan’s senior Spring break. I did not want anything to taint their vacation together. Luckily communication was just not possible. Thank You God!

I finally found an obgyn in Pensacola, my next stop, thanks to Twanna, the admin assistant at Unity there. “let it be digestive!” became my mantra. It was a long weekend. I had the glorious opportunity to spend 4 days and nights by myself. Meditation, a hot soaky bath whenever I wanted one, music and dancing and facebook. April 1st was my church service. As I sang my sister’s inspired song “Holy Spirit” it took everything I had not to lose it completely. “Holy Spirit be my guide. Of myself I can do nothing…” My tears streamed down my face in front of the whole congregation. I explained as I began my talk that I may be facing something that most would consider rather scary. Then I shared the 3 tools I use to bring me peace in any situation. Willingness- I am willing to do what needs to be done by me to reach the next level of my Spirituality. Gratitude- Show me sweet Spirit how to be grateful in the midst of THIS!  and lastly, Forgiveness- Who can I forgive today, in order to heal? My own words sang through my whole body. They resonated perfectly with the adventure ahead.

Monday morning Dr Medlock confirmed it all. I breathed, “I get to heal from ovarian cancer.” Again I took it to facebook. I get to change the way cancer looks and feels. In my meditation I asked God to “Show my a different way to see this”, from the Course in Miracles. I was told to have fun with this. How in the heavens does one have fun with cancer?? First I changed the spelling. The very letters in the word c-a-n-c-e-r hold a cold, negative vibration. What rhymes with cancer….Answer! Cool! Spelled now little c-ANSWER, cANSWER felt different immediately! Whenever I type it I have to stop and think about it. It feels promising-that this adventure is an answer to a deep longing question.

That evening I presented my Body by GOD workshop in which I talk about my weight loss using forgiveness and self love. I wonder now if the excess I was carrying released because of my inner and outer work or if I lost weight because of the cAnswer. I decided that the messages were strong enough either way, that it didn’t really matter. I had reached a level of self love that is tangible. Love that will now help heal my body. Losing weight may or may not have anything at all to do with it! A gal in the workshop, Hennie gave me yet another way to talk about cAnswer. “I CAN-CER-tainly heal from this!  Is that not awesome!!?   Then she gifted me a book by Denise DeSimone called “From Stage IV to Center Stage.” It is all about her healing from head and neck cAnswer employing the medical route and everything Spiritual she knew as well as social media! Calling upon her support team for prayers and assistance! It was everything I was already doing in a book! I had my mom and dad get it. Dad downloaded it onto his kindle and called me, “My God! This is your story!”

I am a slow reader. I bless my dyslexia. I read a chapter at a time and put the book away and meditate. Each “ah ha” each insight I write down, share on facebook and breathe in. When I read the next chapter, Denise exemplifies the very feelings I had just expressed! I recommend the book highly! I emailed Denise and we have a relationship building!

In the meantime, along with my prayer work and yoga, I changed my diet totally on the first day of the “scare.” I learned that cAnswer feeds on sugar. No carbs at all. I learned that cAnswer cannot live in an alkaline body. I am juicing, drinking baking soda, molasses and water (yuck) and taking the supplemental “cAnswer killer” graviola that Dr Hendricks prescribed. The Isagenix protein plus shakes twice a day provide all the nutrition I need. No more coffee! Talk about big life changes!! Another idea came to me to share an image of happy healthy cells devouring the unhealthy ones. I saw them as little light filled fishies!

Wednesday I got to talk to Kristen, my best friend, my prayer partner, my sister. We were both so grateful that she did not visit facebook prior to her return and that she got to hear it from me. We had a great cry together before we talked of the practicalities. Since I’m in Florida, since I have no insurance since my husband was laid off 2 years ago, I learned that Shands Hospital, a teaching hospital cannot turn people away. There is a branch in Jacksonville. I have a large support system there. That is where I am going on Monday to humble myself before the Lord and manifest free healthcare.

After Pensacola I decided to come back to Ft Walton where my newest “family” is. The family who helped me through the initial shock of it all. I have been writing, resting, healing, doing all I can on this end to heal. My ph levels are the prettiest color blue!  HI! Alkaline!! I learned the big Ah ha yesterday: I have been touring, doing what I’ve done for 12 and a half years now. I reach only the people who show up where I am. I have known for a long time that my work was so much bigger and more vast than I am able to express this way. I would not slow down to change. How could I? I loved touring! But even that love was holding me back. I get to STOP completely. Heal and see what magic God has to offer me next! I get to reassess how I do everything. I get to NOT work so hard all by myself! I am truly grateful for the rest! I get to ask for help from every source…a new learning for me.  Remember big-by-self??  Well now it’s Big-by EVERYBODY!!  I am truly grateful for all of the continued prayers I receive everyday! I am grateful for my understanding. This is where the rubber meets the road! This may be what I have been preparing myself for these last 29 years!

That is where things stand right now. Today, after the Easter service I’ll meet my dad in Jax at my favoritist friend’s house. Cheryl is a great friend and support and the best massage therapist on the planet.  I’ll keep you posted! God Bless!

Harmonies of Healing:

This is worth reposting!

Originally posted on Singforyoursoul's Blog:

Grandmama’s Waltz Click to hear SONG

ImageMy beautiful, wonderful Grandmama made her transition 15 years ago today.

She was 87. I am so grateful to have been so close to her. Therein lies the story, her story, our story.

As a fine artist and art teacher she raised my dad as a single parent long before it was “popular.” She had a hard life and wore it on her sleeve. I grew up knowing her to be very judgmental, unforgiving and hyper critical. As much as she loved life and appreciated the beauty of everything around her, she seemed to dislike people in general. When she did hug me, it was cold and prickly. She didn’t understand me at all as I grew into a young woman and held a grudge as if it were a trophy.

All of that changed when I moved to Sarasota, Florida at 20 years…

View original 595 more words

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,497 other followers