Firstly, Happy New Year. Secondly I’m OK.
Since before Mom’s death in April, I’ve been riding the waves of grief. Sometimes that feels like standing on top of the surf-board of balance and enjoying the love, joy, song and laughter that was… is my mother. Other times I hang on with both arms and legs wrapped around it as we plummet to new depths. As time unfolds, I practice being a witness to myself, as I learned to be decades ago. I watch the ride and notice… Different facets of grief shine through with each descent. When I bring gratitude with me, it provides more space for the expanse of the dance.
I’ve watched with pleasant amazement as I sang my way through the Holidays. I decided to embrace whatever I could and call it good, so my husband and I went to Unity for a community Thanksgiving feast; we went Christmas caroling; I recorded many songs I had written over the past year; we took part in the candle lighting ceremony on Christmas Eve; we had friends over on Christmas day; I will have performed 2 Burning Bowl ceremonies after tomorrow. When friends ask me how I am, I look into their eyes and honestly say, “I’m really OK!” which means I’m awesome by anyone else’s standards.
This morning in my hot-soaky, I think I was relaxed enough to feel Mom’s presence. As the tears began to well up, she went away but then I smiled and purposefully felt joy and she was back. I think I heard/felt her say, “Little Darlin’ nothing could keep us apart! We are more together now than ever before.” I lifted my chin toward the ceiling light. I almost felt her ever-soft hands on my cheeks. I almost smelled her lotion. Then I felt, “I am SO proud of you and how you are grieving on purpose. You learned well. I love you! Feel me loving you…” Almost… I cried. She was gone.
But something else happened. This time as I descended into the dark, deep hole that is my grief, I saw at the bottom, the black slime had turned to a rich forest green foam and the walls of the hole had a comforting mossy fuzz. As I looked around and felt the feelings that brought me there, all at once I was out of the hole and back in the sun. WOW!
Then, I almost saw Mommy smiling!
Yeah, I’m really OK. I’m growing more and more OK by the minute. Thanks Mom!