Archive for the ‘Miracles of Healing’ Category

Purging Past Pain

The only way out is through!

The Primal Purge at Holiday time is a seasonal tradition that has a mind of it’s own. When grief gets overwhelming and longing starts to fit like a second skin, my highest self knows my being is ready to release more of what no longer serves me. This morning I got that swift kick from Spirit to to get on with it. I positioned my singing bowl and went to work to meditate. I was still reeling from the movie we saw 3 nights ago… August: Osage County. Meryl Streep played a bitch of a mother who made “Mommy Dearest” look like Mary Poppins.

It hurt me deeply to see her meanness turn her daughter, played by Julia Roberts, into someone just like her! There have been mean people in my life. But there was another reason that movie effected me. When I was  8 or 9 until I was 14, my own mom was that volatile. Not all the time, of course. There was laughter and singing much of the time, but she was so young when she married Dad. Who knows who they are or why they’re here at age 18? To find out early it was NOT to cater to a self-absorbed creative genius that was my dad, made her a failure in her own mind for a long time. She lost her own daddy when was 8 and her mom had to go to work. Dad couldn’t fill all her holes.

My dad’s father ridiculed him growing up and beat up his mom often in front of him. Mom couldn’t fill all his holes. 2 wounded people never make a whole. They make … 2 wounded people with lots of empty holes!

I remember the fights. Mom once seethed at dad and called him a “crumb” under her breath. Something inside me smoldered hot and burned out cold when I learned how to be that hateful.

Hateful and hurtful, painful lashings out, jagged edged glass inflict wounds that grew both ways.  Held in clinched fists, the shards lacerated the warrior as she dashed about trying to cut out the pain she thought was outside herself.

This morning I purged “MEANNESS.”

Before I continue, may I remind you of my favorite healing tool. I call it the “Primal Purge.” In a meditative state, a peaceful place, I allow my body to hate the hate, basically.

As a kid, we don’t have discernment between fear, abandonment, anger, etc…  what we feel when we are wounded is  “I hate you!”  It’s a natural release that, when encouraged to express, appropriately and in private, is then gone, dissipated, expelled. When NOT allowed to express ourselves, those same feelings are shoved into the body and can become toxic!  Unresolved anger can turn into cancer!  All the more reason to get to poison out!!

So I played the singing bowl, breathed deeply and went within.  As I allowed myself to HATE my beloved mommy for being so mean… once upon a time, her face morphed with mine and I saw how I treated my little sister… once upon a time. So I allowed myself to HATE myself for being so mean… once upon a time.

Then what came up, was last year at this time, when mom was so mean… out of her head from the meds and/or the cancer, I know now… but some broken glass gouges, hateful-hurtful encounters that took me by surprise, opened some old wounds I didn’t even know I had and introduced fresh, new, deep incisions. In healthier times, mom and I could talk about it and cry together, embracing one another and inviting the pain to cure us, like intense heat cures glaze to pottery.

But now, being her caretaker and knowing she was not always in her right mind, I could not deal with the pain at the time and we could not deal with it together. So when I asked for healing today, when I asked to feel a connection with mom, when I asked asked to be shown what to do next… THIS came up to heal!     …MEANNESS

Mom’s meanness, my meanness, society’s meanness… I HATE meanness!! I railed for awhile. As long as it took to feel the pain I felt and and inflicted and hate it all!!   THEN finally…  I FORGAVE MEANNESS.

I forgave all that I could remember that connected Mommy to meanness. “I forgive you, Mommy for being so mean!  I forgive you for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could remember. More came up!

Then I  forgave all that I could remember that connected myself to meanness. “I forgive you, Laurie (that’s what I was called as a child)  for being so mean!  I forgive you for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could remember. More came up!

Then, I forgave all that I could think of that connected society to meanness.  “I forgive you, society for being so mean!  I forgive you all for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could think of. More came up!


As I rest in that new vibration, my mind and heart are opened. I feel rejuvenated with a new understanding of a deeper layer of forgiveness. I feel Mommy smile and whisper, “Way to go baby doll!”  All at once the sweetness that is the thoughtful counselor, nurturing teacher, cherished friend that is my mom, ascends out of the ashes of my tears. “I’m right here Little Darlin. You just had to burn out the bullshit!”

Forgiveness 101

Thanks Mom. I get it. Happy Forgiving… I mean Thanksgiving!

Asking is Perfectly Normal…?

Holy Shift! I’m reading Sharlette Pumpfry’s book- Heart Connections- In it she says-“Oswald Chambers, a prominent early 20th century Scottish Protestant Christian minister and teacher, best known as the author of the widely read devotional, my utmost for his highest, said, ‘prayer is not only asking, it is an attitude of heart that produces an atmosphere in which asking is perfectly normal, and Jesus says “everyone that asketh, receiveth.'”

“An attitude of heart that produces an atmosphere in which asking is perfectly normal…”
That’s a shift!
Where is asking perfectly normal? I asked this question as I breathed into stillness.

“As a child!” was the answer. As a child I asked “can I have this?” Not in a selfish, greedy way, but in a way to be assured that I deserve to have all the good I see! With that sweet remembering, I became 5 again. “Can I have this?” I asked of many visions of myself, with wide eyed, ear to ear, open- hearted wonder!

“Can I have that?”LauRedBallWtrEdge63Enthusiasm and pure, unrestricted potential bubbled up from a deep, old, happy well. My face was surrounded by my smile in an inside out understanding. Asking IS natural! Asking like a child asks with no holes barred, expecting to receive because that’s who we are! Receivers! And because it feels so good to receive, it feels as good if not better to give, and watch others receive from us! We learn that too as children! Givers!

“…an attitude of heart that produces an atmosphere in which asking is perfectly normal.”

We are givers and receivers of JOY and that’s why we are here! Ask-Receive.  Give- Enjoy.  In Joy.  Mmmm!

End of story! Beginning of Glory!

Angel Flying

Angel Flying

Hear the song!

Angel Flying is one of my very first compositions. Written in 1996, it is a song that actually wrote me! IT flowed through me with much ease and grace, so ready to be born! I love the double melody in the chorus. Inner weaving strands of melody is a favorite song writing tool of mine. Each melody stands alone but when combined create magic in motion!

The lyrics came from a childhood memory. When I was six years old, I used to hover above my bed. I remember floating about 6-8 inches over the sheets and looking down at the indentation of where my head used to be. Then I’d be gone! Never alone though, I always have company. My companion was an Angel. An enormous figure of golden light, shimmering and glowing, illuminating our way. I was never a bit frightened. I was often overwhelmed by the beauty all around me as we traveled. It was in this place of peace that I learned to look for and see the magnificence of all things!  And the love ! The love was tangible. I could touch it, t hold it, spin it around, wear it, swallow it and then become it.

One time we didn’t fly. We just sat on the fence in my back yard. We didn’t speak. We didn’t have to. If felt good just to be. So normal. I didn’t have to do anything. That presence felt so warm and wonderful. A few years ago my dad and I took an 8 hour road trip. He was just getting over a sore throat so we opted not to speak for the duration. It was one of the holiest communions we’ve ever shared. Just being with one another with no words to get in the way was precious! That is how I felt as I child, sitting on the fence in the backyard with the angel. Held in light of love.

One day I told someone I flew with angels. She told me that was impossible. She was a grown up after all. She must be right, right? I never flew again…until the day I danced with you all, one twirl at a time, during treatment to this song. It felt new and fresh and at the same time comfortably familiar to dance with all the people I love and allow them to love me back to health. I can still feel the light breeze we create as we waltz! Can you feel it!?

The Magic of Music

DSC_8107 (2)I have had a lot of good response to my meditation CD called Chants to HEAL. One such response came from Claudell Hefner County. We connected on facebook. She ordered a CD and offered to send me a song she had written. I accepted. She wrote: By the way, I love your CD. The songs, your voices - strong high, soft, gentle, multiple and overtone chanting. How fun! I hope we get to meet someday. Many blessings, Claudell I finally got a chance to read her email and look her attached song. Gratefully I can sightread and I recognized it immediately. It is called My Dedication subtitled "Here I am, Lord, Use me." It was copyrighted 1984...the year I found Unity. Tears filled my eyes when the melody naturally filled the room and the lyrics projected themselves from inside upon a blank screen before me. I sang this song early on in my Spiritual Journey, having no idea how deep surrender could go at that time. I've sung her song many time since! When I first heard it, I remember trying to embrace the meaning of the words. I yearned to know what God had planned for me. Claudia's chord progression left an uneasy opening in me...an opportunity to see where next I needed to grow... I was 22 years old. Thirty years later the song still sparks a flame. And now I meet the composer of the song! How cool is that!!? I just love the way God works!! The declaration “Here I am, Lord, Use me.” needs to be at the very vortex of prayer. It allows every experience to unfold in full color, ripening and at last, providing nourishment for the good of all. Many Blessings Claudia and thank you for a beautiful, timeless song of surrender! Glad to meet you! I am honored!


Harmonies of Healing

Harmonies of Healing


Many lessons on the journey to health not least of which is all about Love. I understand cognitively about detachment. To love without attachment seems to be the goal because to be attached is to set up grief and pain when object of that love is no longer. After years of contemplation and now with a new awareness, I believe that attachment is a part of love. My being passionate and intimate with people, events, animals, my body means to me only that I love everything around and within me deeply. When those things I love disappear, naturally I get to grieve. It is my honor to grieve.

Now I do not feel that way about everything I love. I love every sunset I see and do not grieve its passing. I love the rain. I do not grieve when the sun shines and dries it all up. I have taught to appreciate everything in my life and I do. I have been taught to be grateful for everything and I am.

So now my precious body heals, my hair falls out and my life forever changed. How do I now love what is and not miss what was? I remember practicing loving my body on purpose and as I cherished it, I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my hair on purpose as I brushed it. I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my life on the road on purpose as I embraced it, I knew love would make my life stronger and healthier. I became very adept at loving what is, so much so that’s now that it’s all different I get to grieve…again…some more.

Love without attachment? Not for me! I choose to love even the grief that makes me so incredibly human. I choose to stay passionate and love deeply even if it leads to pain at its loss. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful hair. NOW I can embrace my baldness! I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful body. NOW I can embrace my scars. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful life on the road. NOW I can embrace the new adventure!

Today I give myself permission to be fully human and love with attachment knowing full well that other side may be grief and loss. I choose to feel it all because every emotion has its own deliciousness!


I Get to HEAL!

29 years ago on Easter my Grandmama took me to my first Unity Church service. My father suggested I find some Spiritual support in 1983 when I was addicted to poverty, living on the edge and basically angry at God. Having lived through mom and dad’s horrific divorce, mom’s next relationship with an abusive boyfriend, I was ‘living it up” in Sarasota Florida all by myself for the first time. In fact “big-by-self” was the badge I wore from age 8! That Easter Sunday I found a home, a community in Unity. One that I have served and that has served me ever since. That Easter so many years ago brought to me a sense of belonging I had never known.

Fast forward to Tuesday, March 27th. I love my touring life. In a past blog I talked about my life on the road. Please read that when you have time and notice how everything has now changed. I was in Ft Walton Beach offering my workshops at Unity when my digestion still had not settled down. I had gone 3 months believing any minor discomfort was due to my overdoing benedryl to rid myself of a sinus infection. Then 2 rounds of antibiotics in February and March for an ear infection. It made perfect sense to me that this small, non-medicated body of mine just didn’t do meds well!

That Tuesday my hostess of the week, Jennifer, offered me the name of her naturopathic doctor. I made an appointment that morning. He confirmed my all over great health but the ph level in my urine and the little mass above my hairline in my pelvic area made him pause. I thought it was a blocked intestine still from the meds. He said he wanted to rule out cancer…rule out cancer. Well of course I don’t have cancer! I am so fit and healthy and I love my body and take such good care of it, how can cancer possibly exist? Still the blood test itself was daunting. “What ifs” strangled every positive thought. Wednesday was the longest day waiting. Waiting. Thursday morning when Dr Hendricks called me into his office I knew the news was not happy relief. “This is not something you can tell me over the phone, huh.” Jennifer offered to go with me and I took her up on it. I knew I did not want to be alone. I was grateful for her motherly presence.

“It looks like ovarian cancer.” the words rang in my ears all morning. The doctor suggested that when I get home I should have a gynecological exam. That would be another 2 weeks away! I called my mom and then dad. I told them what I may be up against. Dr Hendricks did say there was a slight chance that the numbers on my CA125 test could be high because of digestion stuff. I was holding out for that. I drove to Unity in Ft Walton to pack up. I was in a daze. When I walked in Rev George and his wife Barbara met me at the door. It was as if they knew. I melted into their arms in a puddle of tears. I sobbed for what felt like hours on the floor of the sanctuary surrounded by the love and light these 2 precious people held for me, the love and light that Unity has held for me for 29 years now.

Immediately I got online, notified my prayer support team from all over the country via phone calls and facebook. I had 28 responses in the first 5 minutes!  (To see the whole thing as it continues to unfold keep watch on my facebook page.) Through tears and prayers, prayers and tears I breathed and cried. Finally I called my husband. “Oh Babe!” was his reaction. I knew nothing before I saw another doctor. For 5 hours that morning I went through all 5 stages of grief!  But after those 5 hours I found I was in a much more centered place. I have been Spiritually preparing for the last 29 years for this. I was open to what lay before me. Truly embraced by the people who love me I found a place of peace.

Jennifer loves my music so she leaves it on repeat all day long! It gave me such comfort hearing my sister and I sing together about faith, love and God in such beautiful harmony. She was in Mexico this week with her family celebrating Ryan’s senior Spring break. I did not want anything to taint their vacation together. Luckily communication was just not possible. Thank You God!

I finally found an obgyn in Pensacola, my next stop, thanks to Twanna, the admin assistant at Unity there. “let it be digestive!” became my mantra. It was a long weekend. I had the glorious opportunity to spend 4 days and nights by myself. Meditation, a hot soaky bath whenever I wanted one, music and dancing and facebook. April 1st was my church service. As I sang my sister’s inspired song “Holy Spirit” it took everything I had not to lose it completely. “Holy Spirit be my guide. Of myself I can do nothing…” My tears streamed down my face in front of the whole congregation. I explained as I began my talk that I may be facing something that most would consider rather scary. Then I shared the 3 tools I use to bring me peace in any situation. Willingness- I am willing to do what needs to be done by me to reach the next level of my Spirituality. Gratitude- Show me sweet Spirit how to be grateful in the midst of THIS!  and lastly, Forgiveness- Who can I forgive today, in order to heal? My own words sang through my whole body. They resonated perfectly with the adventure ahead.

Monday morning Dr Medlock confirmed it all. I breathed, “I get to heal from ovarian cancer.” Again I took it to facebook. I get to change the way cancer looks and feels. In my meditation I asked God to “Show my a different way to see this”, from the Course in Miracles. I was told to have fun with this. How in the heavens does one have fun with cancer?? First I changed the spelling. The very letters in the word c-a-n-c-e-r hold a cold, negative vibration. What rhymes with cancer….Answer! Cool! Spelled now little c-ANSWER, cANSWER felt different immediately! Whenever I type it I have to stop and think about it. It feels promising-that this adventure is an answer to a deep longing question.

That evening I presented my Body by GOD workshop in which I talk about my weight loss using forgiveness and self love. I wonder now if the excess I was carrying released because of my inner and outer work or if I lost weight because of the cAnswer. I decided that the messages were strong enough either way, that it didn’t really matter. I had reached a level of self love that is tangible. Love that will now help heal my body. Losing weight may or may not have anything at all to do with it! A gal in the workshop, Hennie gave me yet another way to talk about cAnswer. “I CAN-CER-tainly heal from this!  Is that not awesome!!?   Then she gifted me a book by Denise DeSimone called “From Stage IV to Center Stage.” It is all about her healing from head and neck cAnswer employing the medical route and everything Spiritual she knew as well as social media! Calling upon her support team for prayers and assistance! It was everything I was already doing in a book! I had my mom and dad get it. Dad downloaded it onto his kindle and called me, “My God! This is your story!”

I am a slow reader. I bless my dyslexia. I read a chapter at a time and put the book away and meditate. Each “ah ha” each insight I write down, share on facebook and breathe in. When I read the next chapter, Denise exemplifies the very feelings I had just expressed! I recommend the book highly! I emailed Denise and we have a relationship building!

In the meantime, along with my prayer work and yoga, I changed my diet totally on the first day of the “scare.” I learned that cAnswer feeds on sugar. No carbs at all. I learned that cAnswer cannot live in an alkaline body. I am juicing, drinking baking soda, molasses and water (yuck) and taking the supplemental “cAnswer killer” graviola that Dr Hendricks prescribed. The Isagenix protein plus shakes twice a day provide all the nutrition I need. No more coffee! Talk about big life changes!! Another idea came to me to share an image of happy healthy cells devouring the unhealthy ones. I saw them as little light filled fishies!

Wednesday I got to talk to Kristen, my best friend, my prayer partner, my sister. We were both so grateful that she did not visit facebook prior to her return and that she got to hear it from me. We had a great cry together before we talked of the practicalities. Since I’m in Florida, since I have no insurance since my husband was laid off 2 years ago, I learned that Shands Hospital, a teaching hospital cannot turn people away. There is a branch in Jacksonville. I have a large support system there. That is where I am going on Monday to humble myself before the Lord and manifest free healthcare.

After Pensacola I decided to come back to Ft Walton where my newest “family” is. The family who helped me through the initial shock of it all. I have been writing, resting, healing, doing all I can on this end to heal. My ph levels are the prettiest color blue!  HI! Alkaline!! I learned the big Ah ha yesterday: I have been touring, doing what I’ve done for 12 and a half years now. I reach only the people who show up where I am. I have known for a long time that my work was so much bigger and more vast than I am able to express this way. I would not slow down to change. How could I? I loved touring! But even that love was holding me back. I get to STOP completely. Heal and see what magic God has to offer me next! I get to reassess how I do everything. I get to NOT work so hard all by myself! I am truly grateful for the rest! I get to ask for help from every source…a new learning for me.  Remember big-by-self??  Well now it’s Big-by EVERYBODY!!  I am truly grateful for all of the continued prayers I receive everyday! I am grateful for my understanding. This is where the rubber meets the road! This may be what I have been preparing myself for these last 29 years!

That is where things stand right now. Today, after the Easter service I’ll meet my dad in Jax at my favoritist friend’s house. Cheryl is a great friend and support and the best massage therapist on the planet.  I’ll keep you posted! God Bless!

Using “Forgiveness” to Create Peace

When I watch the news and it disturbs me, when I hear of atrocities or read of the history of killing each other “in the name of GOD,” whenever I feel less than peaceful I may be contributing to the ills of the world just by my own negative energy! But how can I NOT winch at someone else’s pain? How can I NOT feel the pain of a dying child? How can my heart NOT break when I feel for someone else’s suffering?

What I have learned is this:
It is only through suffering that we grow-individually, as a nation, as a planet.
It is only through chaos that we create.
It is only by shining the light that we dissolve the darkness.
It is only by dying that we find our true life.

When I learned that everything that happens to us is actually happening for us the pain I experience makes a little bit more sense.
When I learned that nothing can happen to/for me without my permission I began to see the perfection in everything.

The ancient Hawaiian philosophy called Ho’oponopono states:
I am 100% responsible for everything in my world-real or imagined.
I am 100% responsible for every thought, every belief, every cause and effect.
IF I am 100% responsible for everything in my world, then at some level I am responsible for my fellow human. The prayer then that follows is:

I’m sorry, forgive me, I love you, Thank you.

Now that may feel a bit heavy, taking on the whole world- but the way I understand this is-
When I feel bad I contribute to the negative energy that I wish to see healed.
“I’m sorry” means “I’m sorry this is happening to/for you!”
“Forgive me” means “Please forgive me for any part I played in this life or past that may have contributed to this suffering.”
“I love you” raises the vibration up and holds me and those I pray for in highest Holy light.
“Thank you” is the highest form of prayer and releases it all to God!

At the very least this prayer makes me feel more peaceful and alive. At the very most it may move me to action! In this prayerful state I may hear what is mine to do! In this prayerful state I may hear what is NOT mine to do!

Through the use of these 4 sentences, life around and within me shifts and changes. Understanding at the cellular level replaces fear and anger. Awareness deepens and expands. Love grows into a tangible force for healing! And so it is!

Talk about HEALING!

We just got back to Clearwater from a whirlwind trip to the panhandle of Florida.  Maryann, my stepmom, is on a trip to Indiana via California so Dad and I had the week by ourselves.  I took him on a road trip with me to Fort Walton Beach.  He has seen my programs before, filmed them as well.  But this is the first “road-trip” we have taken together. On the way up, Dad was healing from a sore throat so we didn’t speak much. Neither of us enjoy the babble of talk radio.  Even music seemed too bothersome.  So in the silence we traveled 9 hours, just happy to BE together.  He caught me smiling-for no reason at all-just blessed to be with him.
He stayed with a couple-Jennifer and Ron and I stayed with Erika.  Dad made fast friends of his host family as did I.  He attended both workshops after the church service that I performed.  As a kid, he attended all of my presentations so having him in the audience at Unity in Ft Walton was awesome and brought back so many memories.  I sang my sister’s “HOLY SPIRIT” which put her in our midst as well.  I made him cry.  I couldn’t look at his face when I sang because I knew I would tear up!
By the drive home he was 100% healthy again.  My “toning”, Reike and the over-the-counter meds worked so quickly, a cold that normally would have taken a week to heal was GONE in 3 days!
On the drive back to Clearwater we couldn’t stop talking!  During traffic jams we blew bubbles out the window, my favorite past-time!  Dad and I created so many more memories this trip!   I value our time together.  God bless you Daddy!

Dad and I

Angel with Singing Bowl

Last year in January I was in Key West. I go there every year, or try to.  This trip was odd, for no better description. Things were not “normal” whatever that means and I felt out of sorts.  I felt like I was not allowed to give of myself the way I love to.  I was determined to make the best of it.

I was on the platform/stage on one side, a small group of children were on the other, away of me and the singing bowls. NO adults were around.  No problem.  They were keeping to themselves and having fun and weren’t bothering me at all…until…a precious little girl, maybe all of 2 years old, picked up a bowl striker, looked me in the eye and dropped it into the bowl.

It hit the center of my 16″ G bowl just perfectly to break it clean through.  I breathed.  I checked my reaction.  I wanted to yell at the little girl…why? She didn’t do it on purpose.  I wanted to yell at someone!  I sat with it for awhile and prayed.  “This is a Break Through.” I heard in my prayer.  I breathed some more.

At the workshop, 1 of the participants told me she is a stained glass artist and offered to take the bowl and make me something from it. I didn’t know what else to do with a big broken bowl so I released it.

A few months later I heard from Vesta Denning, the artist.  She sent this glorious piece.  The only part of the bowl used is the bowl itself that I…the angel, is holding.  (It looks like me, doesn’t it.)

It has taken me a while to make this available, but I wanted to share this with all of you so you can enjoy it like I do!  Blessings

Memories-Good and not so good.

Songwriting, like any art form can be very cathartic.  The song “Don’t U” was written as a reaction to a memory of past abuse.  It was triggered by a scene I witnessed in which a bunch of kids were running out of a house, laughing and having fun.  The adult following them grabbed the kid she could reach by the arm and yanked him backyards.  I saw the look of surprise, humiliation and fear in his eyes.  I remembered being that kid.  

Contemplative Laurie