The only way out is through!
The Primal Purge at Holiday time is a seasonal tradition that has a mind of it’s own. When grief gets overwhelming and longing starts to fit like a second skin, my highest self knows my being is ready to release more of what no longer serves me. This morning I got that swift kick from Spirit to to get on with it. I positioned my singing bowl and went to work to meditate. I was still reeling from the movie we saw 3 nights ago… August: Osage County. Meryl Streep played a bitch of a mother who made “Mommy Dearest” look like Mary Poppins.
It hurt me deeply to see her meanness turn her daughter, played by Julia Roberts, into someone just like her! There have been mean people in my life. But there was another reason that movie effected me. When I was 8 or 9 until I was 14, my own mom was that volatile. Not all the time, of course. There was laughter and singing much of the time, but she was so young when she married Dad. Who knows who they are or why they’re here at age 18? To find out early it was NOT to cater to a self-absorbed creative genius that was my dad, made her a failure in her own mind for a long time. She lost her own daddy when was 8 and her mom had to go to work. Dad couldn’t fill all her holes.
My dad’s father ridiculed him growing up and beat up his mom often in front of him. Mom couldn’t fill all his holes. 2 wounded people never make a whole. They make … 2 wounded people with lots of empty holes!
I remember the fights. Mom once seethed at dad and called him a “crumb” under her breath. Something inside me smoldered hot and burned out cold when I learned how to be that hateful.
Hateful and hurtful, painful lashings out, jagged edged glass inflict wounds that grew both ways. Held in clinched fists, the shards lacerated the warrior as she dashed about trying to cut out the pain she thought was outside herself.
This morning I purged “MEANNESS.”
Before I continue, may I remind you of my favorite healing tool. I call it the “Primal Purge.” In a meditative state, a peaceful place, I allow my body to hate the hate, basically.
As a kid, we don’t have discernment between fear, abandonment, anger, etc… what we feel when we are wounded is “I hate you!” It’s a natural release that, when encouraged to express, appropriately and in private, is then gone, dissipated, expelled. When NOT allowed to express ourselves, those same feelings are shoved into the body and can become toxic! Unresolved anger can turn into cancer! All the more reason to get to poison out!!
So I played the singing bowl, breathed deeply and went within. As I allowed myself to HATE my beloved mommy for being so mean… once upon a time, her face morphed with mine and I saw how I treated my little sister… once upon a time. So I allowed myself to HATE myself for being so mean… once upon a time.
Then what came up, was last year at this time, when mom was so mean… out of her head from the meds and/or the cancer, I know now… but some broken glass gouges, hateful-hurtful encounters that took me by surprise, opened some old wounds I didn’t even know I had and introduced fresh, new, deep incisions. In healthier times, mom and I could talk about it and cry together, embracing one another and inviting the pain to cure us, like intense heat cures glaze to pottery.
But now, being her caretaker and knowing she was not always in her right mind, I could not deal with the pain at the time and we could not deal with it together. So when I asked for healing today, when I asked to feel a connection with mom, when I asked asked to be shown what to do next… THIS came up to heal! …MEANNESS
Mom’s meanness, my meanness, society’s meanness… I HATE meanness!! I railed for awhile. As long as it took to feel the pain I felt and and inflicted and hate it all!! THEN finally… I FORGAVE MEANNESS.
I forgave all that I could remember that connected Mommy to meanness. “I forgive you, Mommy for being so mean! I forgive you for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could remember. More came up!
Then I forgave all that I could remember that connected myself to meanness. “I forgive you, Laurie (that’s what I was called as a child) for being so mean! I forgive you for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could remember. More came up!
Then, I forgave all that I could think of that connected society to meanness. “I forgive you, society for being so mean! I forgive you all for being to hurtful! I forgive you for saying… doing…” Everything I could think of. More came up!
I FORGIVE MEANNESS! I FORGIVE MEANNESS! I FORGIVE MEANNESS!
I FORGIVE MEANNESS! I FORGIVE MEANNESS! I FORGIVE!
As I rest in that new vibration, my mind and heart are opened. I feel rejuvenated with a new understanding of a deeper layer of forgiveness. I feel Mommy smile and whisper, “Way to go baby doll!” All at once the sweetness that is the thoughtful counselor, nurturing teacher, cherished friend that is my mom, ascends out of the ashes of my tears. “I’m right here Little Darlin. You just had to burn out the bullshit!”
Thanks Mom. I get it. Happy Forgiving… I mean Thanksgiving!