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Harmonies of Healing

Harmonies of Healing


Many lessons on the journey to health not least of which is all about Love. I understand cognitively about detachment. To love without attachment seems to be the goal because to be attached is to set up grief and pain when object of that love is no longer. After years of contemplation and now with a new awareness, I believe that attachment is a part of love. My being passionate and intimate with people, events, animals, my body means to me only that I love everything around and within me deeply. When those things I love disappear, naturally I get to grieve. It is my honor to grieve.

Now I do not feel that way about everything I love. I love every sunset I see and do not grieve its passing. I love the rain. I do not grieve when the sun shines and dries it all up. I have taught to appreciate everything in my life and I do. I have been taught to be grateful for everything and I am.

So now my precious body heals, my hair falls out and my life forever changed. How do I now love what is and not miss what was? I remember practicing loving my body on purpose and as I cherished it, I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my hair on purpose as I brushed it. I knew love would make it stronger and healthier. I remember practicing loving my life on the road on purpose as I embraced it, I knew love would make my life stronger and healthier. I became very adept at loving what is, so much so that’s now that it’s all different I get to grieve…again…some more.

Love without attachment? Not for me! I choose to love even the grief that makes me so incredibly human. I choose to stay passionate and love deeply even if it leads to pain at its loss. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful hair. NOW I can embrace my baldness! I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful body. NOW I can embrace my scars. I choose to grieve the loss of my beautiful life on the road. NOW I can embrace the new adventure!

Today I give myself permission to be fully human and love with attachment knowing full well that other side may be grief and loss. I choose to feel it all because every emotion has its own deliciousness!


I Get to HEAL!

29 years ago on Easter my Grandmama took me to my first Unity Church service. My father suggested I find some Spiritual support in 1983 when I was addicted to poverty, living on the edge and basically angry at God. Having lived through mom and dad’s horrific divorce, mom’s next relationship with an abusive boyfriend, I was ‘living it up” in Sarasota Florida all by myself for the first time. In fact “big-by-self” was the badge I wore from age 8! That Easter Sunday I found a home, a community in Unity. One that I have served and that has served me ever since. That Easter so many years ago brought to me a sense of belonging I had never known.

Fast forward to Tuesday, March 27th. I love my touring life. In a past blog I talked about my life on the road. Please read that when you have time and notice how everything has now changed. I was in Ft Walton Beach offering my workshops at Unity when my digestion still had not settled down. I had gone 3 months believing any minor discomfort was due to my overdoing benedryl to rid myself of a sinus infection. Then 2 rounds of antibiotics in February and March for an ear infection. It made perfect sense to me that this small, non-medicated body of mine just didn’t do meds well!

That Tuesday my hostess of the week, Jennifer, offered me the name of her naturopathic doctor. I made an appointment that morning. He confirmed my all over great health but the ph level in my urine and the little mass above my hairline in my pelvic area made him pause. I thought it was a blocked intestine still from the meds. He said he wanted to rule out cancer…rule out cancer. Well of course I don’t have cancer! I am so fit and healthy and I love my body and take such good care of it, how can cancer possibly exist? Still the blood test itself was daunting. “What ifs” strangled every positive thought. Wednesday was the longest day waiting. Waiting. Thursday morning when Dr Hendricks called me into his office I knew the news was not happy relief. “This is not something you can tell me over the phone, huh.” Jennifer offered to go with me and I took her up on it. I knew I did not want to be alone. I was grateful for her motherly presence.

“It looks like ovarian cancer.” the words rang in my ears all morning. The doctor suggested that when I get home I should have a gynecological exam. That would be another 2 weeks away! I called my mom and then dad. I told them what I may be up against. Dr Hendricks did say there was a slight chance that the numbers on my CA125 test could be high because of digestion stuff. I was holding out for that. I drove to Unity in Ft Walton to pack up. I was in a daze. When I walked in Rev George and his wife Barbara met me at the door. It was as if they knew. I melted into their arms in a puddle of tears. I sobbed for what felt like hours on the floor of the sanctuary surrounded by the love and light these 2 precious people held for me, the love and light that Unity has held for me for 29 years now.

Immediately I got online, notified my prayer support team from all over the country via phone calls and facebook. I had 28 responses in the first 5 minutes!  (To see the whole thing as it continues to unfold keep watch on my facebook page.) Through tears and prayers, prayers and tears I breathed and cried. Finally I called my husband. “Oh Babe!” was his reaction. I knew nothing before I saw another doctor. For 5 hours that morning I went through all 5 stages of grief!  But after those 5 hours I found I was in a much more centered place. I have been Spiritually preparing for the last 29 years for this. I was open to what lay before me. Truly embraced by the people who love me I found a place of peace.

Jennifer loves my music so she leaves it on repeat all day long! It gave me such comfort hearing my sister and I sing together about faith, love and God in such beautiful harmony. She was in Mexico this week with her family celebrating Ryan’s senior Spring break. I did not want anything to taint their vacation together. Luckily communication was just not possible. Thank You God!

I finally found an obgyn in Pensacola, my next stop, thanks to Twanna, the admin assistant at Unity there. “let it be digestive!” became my mantra. It was a long weekend. I had the glorious opportunity to spend 4 days and nights by myself. Meditation, a hot soaky bath whenever I wanted one, music and dancing and facebook. April 1st was my church service. As I sang my sister’s inspired song “Holy Spirit” it took everything I had not to lose it completely. “Holy Spirit be my guide. Of myself I can do nothing…” My tears streamed down my face in front of the whole congregation. I explained as I began my talk that I may be facing something that most would consider rather scary. Then I shared the 3 tools I use to bring me peace in any situation. Willingness- I am willing to do what needs to be done by me to reach the next level of my Spirituality. Gratitude- Show me sweet Spirit how to be grateful in the midst of THIS!  and lastly, Forgiveness- Who can I forgive today, in order to heal? My own words sang through my whole body. They resonated perfectly with the adventure ahead.

Monday morning Dr Medlock confirmed it all. I breathed, “I get to heal from ovarian cancer.” Again I took it to facebook. I get to change the way cancer looks and feels. In my meditation I asked God to “Show my a different way to see this”, from the Course in Miracles. I was told to have fun with this. How in the heavens does one have fun with cancer?? First I changed the spelling. The very letters in the word c-a-n-c-e-r hold a cold, negative vibration. What rhymes with cancer….Answer! Cool! Spelled now little c-ANSWER, cANSWER felt different immediately! Whenever I type it I have to stop and think about it. It feels promising-that this adventure is an answer to a deep longing question.

That evening I presented my Body by GOD workshop in which I talk about my weight loss using forgiveness and self love. I wonder now if the excess I was carrying released because of my inner and outer work or if I lost weight because of the cAnswer. I decided that the messages were strong enough either way, that it didn’t really matter. I had reached a level of self love that is tangible. Love that will now help heal my body. Losing weight may or may not have anything at all to do with it! A gal in the workshop, Hennie gave me yet another way to talk about cAnswer. “I CAN-CER-tainly heal from this!  Is that not awesome!!?   Then she gifted me a book by Denise DeSimone called “From Stage IV to Center Stage.” It is all about her healing from head and neck cAnswer employing the medical route and everything Spiritual she knew as well as social media! Calling upon her support team for prayers and assistance! It was everything I was already doing in a book! I had my mom and dad get it. Dad downloaded it onto his kindle and called me, “My God! This is your story!”

I am a slow reader. I bless my dyslexia. I read a chapter at a time and put the book away and meditate. Each “ah ha” each insight I write down, share on facebook and breathe in. When I read the next chapter, Denise exemplifies the very feelings I had just expressed! I recommend the book highly! I emailed Denise and we have a relationship building!

In the meantime, along with my prayer work and yoga, I changed my diet totally on the first day of the “scare.” I learned that cAnswer feeds on sugar. No carbs at all. I learned that cAnswer cannot live in an alkaline body. I am juicing, drinking baking soda, molasses and water (yuck) and taking the supplemental “cAnswer killer” graviola that Dr Hendricks prescribed. The Isagenix protein plus shakes twice a day provide all the nutrition I need. No more coffee! Talk about big life changes!! Another idea came to me to share an image of happy healthy cells devouring the unhealthy ones. I saw them as little light filled fishies!

Wednesday I got to talk to Kristen, my best friend, my prayer partner, my sister. We were both so grateful that she did not visit facebook prior to her return and that she got to hear it from me. We had a great cry together before we talked of the practicalities. Since I’m in Florida, since I have no insurance since my husband was laid off 2 years ago, I learned that Shands Hospital, a teaching hospital cannot turn people away. There is a branch in Jacksonville. I have a large support system there. That is where I am going on Monday to humble myself before the Lord and manifest free healthcare.

After Pensacola I decided to come back to Ft Walton where my newest “family” is. The family who helped me through the initial shock of it all. I have been writing, resting, healing, doing all I can on this end to heal. My ph levels are the prettiest color blue!  HI! Alkaline!! I learned the big Ah ha yesterday: I have been touring, doing what I’ve done for 12 and a half years now. I reach only the people who show up where I am. I have known for a long time that my work was so much bigger and more vast than I am able to express this way. I would not slow down to change. How could I? I loved touring! But even that love was holding me back. I get to STOP completely. Heal and see what magic God has to offer me next! I get to reassess how I do everything. I get to NOT work so hard all by myself! I am truly grateful for the rest! I get to ask for help from every source…a new learning for me.  Remember big-by-self??  Well now it’s Big-by EVERYBODY!!  I am truly grateful for all of the continued prayers I receive everyday! I am grateful for my understanding. This is where the rubber meets the road! This may be what I have been preparing myself for these last 29 years!

That is where things stand right now. Today, after the Easter service I’ll meet my dad in Jax at my favoritist friend’s house. Cheryl is a great friend and support and the best massage therapist on the planet.  I’ll keep you posted! God Bless!


Grandmama’s Waltz

Grandmama’s Waltz Click to hear SONG

ImageMy beautiful, wonderful Grandmama made her transition 15 years ago today.

She was 87. I am so grateful to have been so close to her. Therein lies the story, her story, our story.

As a fine artist and art teacher she raised my dad as a single parent long before it was “popular.” She had a hard life and wore it on her sleeve. I grew up knowing her to be very judgmental, unforgiving and hyper critical. As much as she loved life and appreciated the beauty of everything around her, she seemed to dislike people in general. When she did hug me, it was cold and prickly. She didn’t understand me at all as I grew into a young woman and held a grudge as if it were a trophy.

All of that changed when I moved to Sarasota, Florida at 20 years old. She was my ONLY grandparent and I wanted a relationship with her. A GOOD relationship. I decided consciously that I was going to “make that bitch love me!” She lived in Clearwater, an hour away from Sarasota. So every other weekend I visited her and basically pushed my way into her heart. I loved her into softness. I shared “hug therapy” with her. within the year she did soften. She did open! She learned how to hug without pushing me away at the same time! In fact, before I moved back up north 2 years later, she had made me 2 sets of stained glass hugging bears from the little book called “Hug Therapy.” I treasure then today!

In 1994 she was ready to come up north to be with family. She knew she was slipping and was willing to be cared for. God Bless her! I flew down to drive her and her belongings to Indiana. We left on her 85th birthday. The timing of taking her away from the home she’d known for the last 30 years on her birthday really sucked! The trip north was an adventure to blog later. But for the next 2 years we were both in South Bend so I got to see her often! I video taped some of her stories. We grew even closer.

The last week of February I was on my way to Florida on tour. The day before I left she had fallen again. She was put into the hospital a block away from my home. I went to see her for the last time on this earth plane…I knew.  I rubbed her feet. I brushed her hair. I told her goodbye. Later that day the doctors discovered an inoperable brain tumor. That’s why she was falling. That’s why she was fully cognizant one minute and out of it the next. She knew she was in and out and it pissed her off! She always had her wits about her…until now. She would have to go into a home and move out of independent living and she NEVER wanted to do that.

I drove to Florida, stayed at her old condo and all of that week, long distance, I gave her permission to go to God. “it’s ok Grandmama. You can let go. I’ll miss you but I’ll be ok. It’s your choice. I love you so much.” All week long. On March 1st I got the call. “Thank you GOD!” was my first response.

That night she come to me in my dreams and thanked me for her room! I didn’t understand. She said “Just look at this place!” Out of the mists formed this palatial estate! “Why thank me?” I asked.

“You taught me how to love! I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! You changed my Karma!” WOW!

Just by loving her…WOW! So today I celebrate her life here on earth AND her life on the otherside. The veil is so thin that we are still close. She is with me everyday.

In Florida, she had a calamondin tree behind her condo. She made marmalade out of that sour stuff that not many enjoyed like I did. Last night a gal brought me a bag of calamondins and some jams she had made along with a sprig of flowers from her tree. OMG! Grandmama IS here! I will enjoy the fruit for at least a week and the marmalade all year. Grandmama you rock! Even from the other side she still loves me! I am so blessed!